The Logic of it All
by ff9moonie
Summary: AU - Written for MamoUsa Week 2019. Mamoru could not remove the encounter from his head. His thoughts swirled and he wasn't sure if he even wanted to stop thinking about her. He needed to see her again. But it was not in the plan and the irrationality with which he was consumed with her was illogical.


The Logic of it All

Chapter One - Consumed

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"There are chance meetings with strangers that interest us from the first moment, before a word is spoken."

-Fyodor Dostoevsky.

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Their first meeting was tumultuous and his reaction to her completely out of character. Test scores and insults (though he thought it was only good-natured teasing). Long after she'd stomped away, he'd had the faintest of smiles rooted to his face as he unconsciously flipped through his notes for a test he was more than prepared for – meaning it was a perfectly alright that he wasn't paying any attention. Later he'd think how strange it was that out of all the girls crying for his attention, all the girls he ignored and many he was unaware of, it was a chance meeting with a stranger that caught his eye. His thoughts were filled with her. The way she'd spun to meet his gaze after his outcry from her crumpled test that hit him square in the face, an apology on her lips and concern in her eyes. The redness in her cheeks when he read out her test score. The wrath in her eyes when he told her she should study more. Stunning. Now, he realized he could have mentioned he was a tutor. The smile that felt like it would never leave his face turned downwards. Letting out a cry, he ran his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit he didn't show often to the world. It was the first time he wanted to see a girl again. Bring a smile to her face. Run his fingers through her long hair. Have his hand caress her face. Learn anything and everything about her. It was irrational, he knew. Just like the cheesy, romance films his female classmates gossiped about. Films they tried to get him to watch with them. Despite the irrationality of it, the encounter was a moment he'd never felt so open and wanting to bear his heart to another person. Even in the small social circle that he had created, the few he allowed himself to bond with, he never felt the need to connect. And connect so deeply. It was illogical and Mamoru was anything but.

When Mamoru was able to leave the orphanage at fifteen, without the help of anyone, he drew up a plan. The apartment his parents had owned and rented out while they were still alive now belonged to him. He could live there. The home he grew up in was not an option to return to. It was sold when his parents passed. The lawyer who handled his case suggested it was the best option. The home was in a good neighborhood. It would certainly sell for a good price. Combined with the money his parents had in the bank, it could be used to fund his future. And without any memory of his life before the car accident that took his parents' life, he had not gathered much from the home when he was allowed to return. Besides, there wasn't much he could take to the orphanage and he hadn't thought to ask if the belongings in the home could be taken to the apartment. He didn't remember that there even was an apartment. It was only after everything was said and done that the lawyer mentioned once he left the orphanage, he would still have a place to return to. And so Mamoru's plan was to make the apartment his home. He would study and find a part-time job in order not to fully rely on his parents' savings. He wouldn't waste his time with meaningless interactions. He was polite and courteous to those around him and friendly to those he allowed in his social circle. So it was a surprise to him at the feelings he felt upon meeting the cute girl who crashed into his life via a balled up test he had taken to the face.

_And now I'll never see her again, _he thought. Frustrated he abandoned his notes, laid down on the couch and picked up a throw pillow before mashing his face into it with a groan. He didn't want to get her out of his head. He didn't try to. He had a feeling even if he did attempt to it would be futile. Yes, it was entirely illogical. Despite knowing he was being illogical, he couldn't rid himself of thoughts of her. He needed to talk to someone. Someone who was older and knew what _feelings_ meant. But who could he go to? He was clouded with images of her that he couldn't even think straight about what to do or use his usual ability to push feelings aside. A distraction. That was all he needed. At that moment, his phone rang. Grateful that a distraction came just when he decided the necessity of it, he got up from the couch, tossed the pillow upon it and went to pick up the phone.

"Moshi moshi," he answered.

The voice on the other end replied, "Ah, Mamoru-kun."

It was Motoki. He was several years his elder. The only reason Mamoru knew Motoki was because the school Mamoru attended, Moto Azabu High School, had a designated program with their graduates to mentor current students. Mamoru was paired with Motoki and while initially Mamoru was against the idea he decided to use the program to his advantage for his studies. Motoki's field of study was different from the path he wanted , but a personal insight into the world beyond high would come to his advantage. Once several meetings had passed, he began to consider Motoki a friend. When Motoki had learned of Mamoru's desire to enter the medical field, he had taken the time to do his own research to aid Mamoru. It was the first time Mamoru felt touched with emotion. There was no one in the orphanage using their own time to aid him. Motoki became Mamoru's first friend. Despite that, Mamoru had not told Motoki about his past. Though Motoki had attempted several times to speak about Mamoru's family. He had even offered to have their mentorship meetings at Mamoru's apartment instead of the school grounds or library, but Mamoru did not budge and whenever Motoki brought up family, Mamoru was quick to change the subject. If Motoki noticed the pattern, he was kind enough not to mention it. Despite the lack of delving into his history, Mamoru was rather fond of Motoki's friendship and presence in his life.

"I was hoping to catch you before you went to bed. I know it's a bit late—"

Mamoru glanced at the clock. He would have already been in bed, but then again he was rather illogical today. A flash of blonde hair filtered through his mind.

"—but I wanted to ask a favor."

Mamoru tilted his head to the side. Motoki asking him for a favor? He was flattered. Motoki had done much to help Mamoru with his studies. He was glad there was a way to repay the help he received. "Hai, Motoki-kun."

"I have a friend and she's been having some trouble in school. She's a junior high student and could really use some help. She asked me, but I'm a bit swamped with work and papers at the moment. Is there any availability in your tutoring schedule?"

He replied that he would have to check his schedule. Tutoring was his part-time job. It allowed him the flexibility to make his schedule and he was proficient at the job as well. Mamoru wasn't sure how effective he would be as a tutor at present. What with his illogical thoughts. But the money was needed and upon checking his schedule he could tutor the following afternoon. Perhaps pouring through study material would make the illogical logical. And he would stop using that word so much. Yes, this is what he needed. He could talk to Motoki about what he was feeling as well. Surely, Motoki could make sense of it all and if not, the tutoring could rectify the situation—pull him away from sky-blue eyes and the hope of meeting her again.

"Hai, tomorrow after school."

"Great! You can meet her at my job. Remember Crown Arcade? I know it's not your scene, but it could make her more comfortable. She's like a sister to me and she's really embarrassed about her grades. I appreciate your help."

Mamoru replied that it would work and he'd see her tomorrow, along with a request to speak to Motoki beforehand. Motoki agreed, and Mamoru hung up. He let out a sigh. A place like Crown Arcade wasn't his first choice. The library would have been best. Someplace quiet. A place he wouldn't be reminded how he couldn't afford to be easygoing like his peers. He'd been to Motoki's work place once and felt entirely out of place. Too much noise. Too many people. Too much everything. The opposite of the library and his safe haven: his apartment. With a roll of his eyes Mamoru wondered how anyone could study in a place like the arcade.

_Maybe I can get her to go to the library instead?_

Shaking his head, Mamoru reminded himself that the girl he would be tutoring was essentially Motoki's sister. However he could help his friend he would, even if that meant being in an uncomfortable place. It was late and he had forgotten to ask Motoki what subjects he would be tutoring the girl in. Now he wouldn't be able to create a guide until he met her. It made him feel irresponsible, but his brain was tired from thoughts of his encounter with the pretty girl he met in the day and thought it would be okay just this once not to be ahead of the game. Lost in his desire to feel okay bout being lax for once, he didn't even realize he never called a girl pretty before. Whenever his classmates asked for his opinion about a girl that was pining after him or a new female student, Mamoru would shrug his shoulders. A girl was not in his plan, so he paid them no mind. Caring for people, he wasn't sure he entirely knew how to. He knew he cared about his studies, his goals, Motoki, and the other few friends in his life. Anything else was out of his element. Maybe if he remembered his childhood he could understand what caring for someone, what loving someone meant. How loving someone would feel. There was no love in the orphanage. His time there was bleak. There was no light or moments of happiness. It seemed more kids arrived than left. While he was there from a lack of a family, there were those who were dropped off by their parents. Some parents returned to spend time with the children they left behind. Mamoru would learn later the reason those children were there was because their parents couldn't afford to take care of them. The orphanage was the safest place for them. Those were the lucky ones. They had family who came to see them, letting light into their lives. A chance to smile. A bittersweet situation nonetheless. After those meetings, Mamoru could hear their cries echoing in the room questioning why couldn't they just go home. He still thought they were lucky. The majority of children that were left behind never had family return to them. Their parents never signed a release form for them to be adopted and they remained in limbo. In that way Mamoru called himself lucky. As lucky as anyone could be growing up in the orphanage with no memory of the past.

_I'm thinking too much. _

Not one to dwell on the past, what he could recall of it anyway, he set about readying himself for bed. Tomorrow would be a new day and maybe everything would make sense again.

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Author's Note:

Hello my fellow readers and writers. This story is written in honor of UsaMamo Week 2019. I originally wanted to make this a one-shot, but as I wrote I felt this would be better off divided into chapters. I apologize for not making it longer. I had every intention to, but I feel to give justice to this story I need to slow down the process rather than rush through it. Even if it results in a short chapter. Write a review letting me know what you think. Thoughts, feelings, emotions!

Thank you for reading my story.

-ff9moonie


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